A beautiful thing happened this week. My three year old daughter asked me is she was ever going to die. Ughhhhh. Universe, go ahead and confront my fear of death head on! No screwing around with Jenny Finn. And I am humbled by the gentle ways of the Universe...confronting me with my fear of death through the deep blue eyes of my precious Lizzie.
In my Let it Shine class for children, in our final class, we paint a mural and then we decide who we are going to share it with. This summer, we decided to take it to the hospital. So, I called the cancer center where I was diagnosed and asked if we could bring it to them. And we did; the day my daughter wanted to know if she was going to "get dead." In a nutshell, the visit was everything. Intense; I haven't been inside a room with a radiation machine (the technical term) since I was diagnosed ten years ago. Tender; several patients surviving cancer waited to receive this mural from the children. Inspiring; the staff, nurses, doctors, director, social workers all came out to receive this mural from the children. And human; As we stood watching our children taking a tour of the radiation center, some of us ate cookies.
So, as we sat at the dinner table that evening, eating our avocado slices and mac and cheese, Lizzie's mouth began to turn down. The precursor to a cry, and this one, out of nowhere. Or so it seemed. I said, "What is it honey?", as I held my arms out. And she said, "Mommy, I don't want to get dead!, I DON'T WANT TO GET DEAD!" And this Mommy did a very real thing. I sat there with my mouth hanging open, literally. So, thankfully, my rooted, grounded son stepped in. He said, "Lizzie, we do die. Then we get buried under the dirt or our bodies get burned up into flames." What a truth teller, that Andrew is. My jaw now felt like it was touching my sky blue Crocs. Lizzie's eyes were the size of the full moon. As her eyes widened, her mouth turned down and the tears came. At that moment, I had a slight internal temper tantrum with God. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME? SHE IS 3 YEARS OLD! WHY IS SHE ASKING THESE QUESTIONS? THEY SCARE ME! Or do they?, my heart asked.
I told Lizzie a few helpful, but obvious things. 1. She is alive right now, so no need to worry about death. 2. Our bodies die, but our spirits do not. 3. Eat your Mac and Cheese. Then, I got up from the table to stir the soup. Actually, I got up from the table to get away from death. And I knew it. As the soup stirred, so did my heart. And I heard it, loud and clear. You are running away, Jenny Finn. Go back to your daughter. So, I did. I am a pretty good listener. I stood there, as my children looked into my eyes, wanting an answer. And I listened to my heart and here is what it had me do. I said, "Hey, you guys, death is my friend. I invite Death to tea, to sit next to me in the car. Death is my friend. And it whispers to me." And Andrew and Lizzie, with expectant faces asked, "What Mom, what does Death whisper?" I walked closer to them and I bent down and cupped my hands around their ears. Then I heard it from within, from Death herself, and I whispered, "Live. Live..."
