Four things happened this week. First, my son got a short stomach flu and vomited on Tuesday morning. Second, I was teaching at the elementary school and one of the students said to me, "I don't have any emotion, because I am a good boy." And one student pointed to another and said, "He is a troublemaker." The other child, looking resigned to this fact, stared at me. I picked up his hands, looked him in the eyes and said, "You are more than that." And said to the other children, "He is more than that." Third, my brother and I got into a huge blow out fight. And fourth, I read something in Jason Schulman's book,
Receiving God, that said, God is not a reward. God is not a reward. God doesn't happen when you are doing things "right" or "good." God is in everything. All is well, no matter what is happening, or how I judge it. This is a big understanding to swallow in our culture. Sometimes it feels a bit like swallowing a whale. It is something I don't speak of much, but something I try to integrate with each happening in my life. It demands from me to experience wholeness. And, it requires me to look beyond what feels good to me or makes sense to me and to live in What Is.
How does this translate? First, when my son was vomiting, I stood behind him, holding him between my hands. I was praying to God. Not to be his or my reward, but for me to be able to see God right in front of my eyes, in my vomiting son. Second, when I looked into this student's eyes, hearing him say he "only feels happy, love and joy" or the other child resigned to the fact that all he is, is a troublemaker, I felt afraid of how much of themselves, these children have learned to leave behind. I prayed to embody wholeness for these children. Third, after my brother and I blew out, I sat in a rocking chair, taking in the white Christmas lights on my tree. When I sit by my tree, I can feel my innocence. I prayed that even with all of these deep feelings of shame, fear, and powerlessness, all old family feelings, that I could know God. Right then and there, not later when things were like I wanted them to be, but right now. I imagined these little twinkling lights, breaking through my darkness into my heart and crossing all of the tension between my brother and I and breaking into his beautiful heart. God is not a reward. God is right here and now. In all of it. Not just in what I want life to be, but as AA says, it is accepting life on LIFE'S terms. Can I commit to myself when I am feeling uncomfortable? Can I commit to my life with all of it's muck and beauty?
All is well is translated in chinese to
How-La. I am certain that is not how you spell it, but it is how you pronounce it. I walk through the halls of hospitals, schools, my church, the hallways of my home and say, How-La. I say it when my son is whining and I am at my wits end. I say it when my husband and I are arguing. I say it when I looked at Pikes Peak today. I said it today as my daughter screamed as she got a flu shot I wasn't sure I wanted to her to have. I said over and over in her ear, How-La. All is well. God is in this place.
