I was driving to a capoeira Christmas party tonight with my daughter and my husband. We were meeting my son and our friends there. As we were driving, I turned around to look back at my 3 year old daughter and I saw her little face inside of this big hooded winter coat.  I said to her, God I love you so much. Then I thought to myself, not 5 minutes before she was whining, tired, resisting what I was asking her to do, and I loved her anyway. I felt frustrated, but I didn't shame her (which I have done, even as recently as this morning), I didn't yell at her (again, done this) and I didn't ignore her (done this one, too.) But not tonight. I really loved her when she was not being, acting, dressing, whatever it is, the way I wanted her to.
    And I realized that this is how one safely separates from his or her mother. When a child can just be who they are and be loved. I don't mean without boundaries or rules in their lives. I mean simply and hugely loving them, just as they are. And then the rules follow. When Lizzie or Andrew experiences being loved, particularly when they are acting or being different than what I want them to be, they realize that they are still safe when they are different from mommy. If I reject them, when they are acting differently than I would like them to, they reject that part of themselves and try to be what I want them to be. Not who they truly are. I just got that. A huge life lesson, driving on Nevada Ave. to a Christmas party.
    So, how does that relate to me as a daughter. I acted differently than how my mom would have wanted me to act. And my mom acted differently than how I wanted her to act. And we haven't spoken in 5 years. Over my life, I have felt scared to be separate from my mother, my father, my siblings, my husband, my close friends, and the list goes on. Even my cat at times. I remember not being able to fully enjoy parts of my European backpacking trip because I thought my cat was dying without me being the one to feed her in the morning.
    Just this past week, on a self-created snow day, I sat with a dear friend. We went from being the wonder twins, doing everything together, dressing the same, feeling the same about most everything, to being distant, unsure and confused. We are beginning to separate. In the past, again, as recent as last week, this would have scared me to death. I am losing her. She doesn't love me anymore, moved on to someone new. I am not perfect enough, maybe I need to try a bit harder.  But as I sat on the couch with her, holding hands, allowing our tears to flow, I told her how much I loved her. Again, not new, said this before to her, but in the midst of separating, I was real. I showed up with my true feelings. And so did she. That she does not have to be what I want her to be for me to love her. And neither do I.
    Logically, this seems like, DUH! Of course we can love and be different. We are all different, we have different color eyes, skin, speak differently, like different things, blah, blah blah. Yes, this is all true. But in my heart, I am just learning how to be me in the world. That I don't need to be what others in my life what me to be to feel safe and loved in the world. And this new insight is a miracle. It is beyond my logical understanding. But I do know, my relationship to myself and to this world is richer, more whole. What a big gigantic gift this life is. And I am beginning to love every part of it. Even the torn paper after the gift is unwrapped.
    
     
   

 

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