We opened the dance this morning with a reading from Gabrielle Roth's Sweat Your Prayers, and from scripture, the book of Esther. I do not know the context of the reading, but something from it has stuck with me. Mordecai stripped himself of his clothing, donned a sackcloth and ashes and headed for the king's gate. He wasn't allowed in because, of course, you cannot wear a sackcloth in the queen's court. The queen heard of his distress and that he was clothed in a sackcloth. She sent him clothing. But he refused them. He refused them. That is the part that sticks with me. Choosing to be naked.

I choose to be naked everyday. To a neurotic degree, honestly. In my marriage, in my parenting, in being a daughter and a sister, a friend and definitely in my work. I taught in the elementary school today, dancing, singing, painting with the children so that they can better understand who they are on this planet. It is some of the most challenging work I have done. How do we create a big enough space for these children to show up with their emotions? With schedules, numbers, writing, letters and the land of the linear, how do we truly engage in the serious work of showing up for our children with all of their emotions? Is there room enough in this system for the emotional life of our children? I am learning and making mistakes along the way. I am in my sackcloth at the king's gate. Naked in the queen's court, naked in the public school system.

The phone rang after school today. It was my mom. She wants joy in her life. She wants relationship. It is a miracle that we are here in this place today; estranged for five years, and at times, thinking it was a lost cause. Rejecting the comfort of the clothes given by the queen, I opened my heart and listened.

I do not know another way to be vulnerable other than holding the hand of God while I strip naked. I really don't. Whether it is when I am feeling the naked joy of a child. Or I am apologizing without explanation.  My only choice is to allow God to love me as I am. In my last class I said, Vulnerability is the doorway to God. For so long, weakness was way down on my desirability list. But, in facing and feeling my weakness, I am actually beginning to find strength. And I am finding that it is my sackcloth and my ashes, and not what the Queen offers, that leads me to my truest home.