I am learning how to autonomous. Autonomous, I learned from a friend recently, means self-governing. Most of my life, I have been a laissez-faire government. I operated the Jenny Finn hands off form of government. Mostly, that means I said yes a lot when I meant no. And I said, no, when I wanted to say yes, but was too afraid. Why would I do such a thing, when we have one precious life to live? I let others steer my life, so that I could wander around in the stupor of being liked. Of being approved of; being understood.

I went to a cozy cafe this morning, and sat at a little wooden table with fresh flowers in mason jars. I ordered cheese grits and a decaf. Out of the four tables seated, I knew people at three of them. And, I heard Nancy Griffith in the background singing one of my favorites, a Dylan remake of Boots of Spanish Leather. It was delightful. For all those reasons and one more. When I ordered my decaf, I was given a paper/styrofoam cup to drink out of. When I felt it in my hand, it just went against the whole homey vibe, not to mention our beautiful Earth. I didn't want this paper cup. I wanted something else. And surprisingly, I said, "I'd rather have a ceramic mug. I just like the way it feels in my hand." There was a little awkwardness, but I breathed. I could hear the voices inside, "Don't make a scene. Take the cup, who cares, it's not a big deal. You are high maintenance. And on and on." It is amazing what damage can be done by handing myself over and over again, just to be liked. But I prayed too. And the awkwardness became a simple price to pay for being myself.

So, on the surface, I understand that this is not earth shattering, asking for a ceramic mug. But for this little people-pleaser, it is. I am learning how to say no. And I am learning to say yes! And I am learning to ask for what I need. I becoming myself. I am growing up in the world. Over the years, I started to not know who I was. I became diluted with all of this behavior that was not true for me. When my center is outside of myself, like caring whether or not someone will like me if I ask for a ceramic mug, I am lost. When my behavior is rooted in another's opinion of me, I am screwed. Because that changes every second. But, when I breathe, pray, and ask for what I need, I may or may not get it, but at least I know who I am.