A good friend, and mentor, asked me the other day, Jenny, why do you keep going to the hardware store for milk? Let me explain. I have spent most of my life, metaphorically, searching the shelves of the hardware store for milk, when the grocery store is literally right next door. I just have to walk a few steps to the south to get my milk. But I haven't. I keep looking, asking the hardware clerks if the milk has come in yet. Or, maybe they put the milk next to the plant fertilizer? And I go look there. But, nope, no milk. I am used to looking in the wrong places to get my needs met. Sometimes, I go to those who can't meet me where I am at. And, other times, I don't go to God, who helps me see, that all is well, no matter what. And the result of going to the hardware store for milk, is a lack of intimacy in my life. Constantly being disappointed, resentful, mad, inadequate. I have repeated this pattern over and over to avoid the deep, awkward beautiful connection with another, with myself, with God. I am very familiar with feelings of inadequacy, blaming myself for all manner of things, and fear. I am used to changing who I am moment by moment, just to be liked. It is a wonder sometimes that I know who I am. But I do. Or at least, I am starting to.  I am ready to start going to the grocery store for milk. I am ready for intimacy and to have my needs met. And what this means, is setting boundaries, saying yes when I want to say yes, even if I am scared, and saying no when I mean no, even if that means someone not liking me. It means knowing that I don't have to do it perfectly here on Earth and that I can, and will, step into new situations to learn more about who I am.

I have decided to step out of my backyard, literally, with my work. And guess what? It is being received. Not just here in Colorado Springs, but in other states, maybe even other countries. Some doors are just open. With my lens of "not good enough", I have been only looking for the doors that are closed. Doing this just reinforces feeling not good enough. And then, I do five million dances to figure out how to break through those doors. And I will stand there for, sometimes years, to see if I can open it.  Wow, exhausting. There is nothing wrong with trying to bring the light into dark places, but month and month, year after year. There is a time to let go. And, with these open doors, there are people waiting on the other side to receive me. I thought it was human nature to play this game; of seeking love where it can't be found. Seeking approval where it just isn't going to happen. This way of being in the world is very real for some of us; those of us who never learned to trust the Love that is within us. Those of us who didn't know how beautiful we are. Those of us who never learned to trust intimacy. But I am confident, that this is just a way of being in the world, that it can be healed. We can learn to trust that God meets our needs and that everything else is just icing on the cake. Intimacy; relaxing into  hug, listening without fixing, seeing beauty when it is hard to see, all of this is possible.

It is scary to actually step through the doors where arms are flung open and smiles of encouragement are on the faces of those waiting to receive me. And not only encouragement, but excitement. They are screaming a big Yes! to the opportunities of my life. Mirroring to me that I can actually be excited and joy-filled about these open doors. They ask questions like, How can I help you make this dream happen? Or, I just heard of this position and it sounds perfect for you! Or, I love you just the way you are. Even when you make mistakes. I am not used to this behavior in my life. I am not used to accepting it. The accepting of someone offering love, encouragement, trust, even help, is intimacy. And I am vulnerable in this new territory in my life. But it is with new wings, that I am learning to fly. I am learning that I can trust the open door. Life doesn't always have to be so hard.