A Little Emptiness and a Cup of Tea
I had a low self esteem day last week. I actually had about three in a row. Does that ever happen to you? It was one of those days when making a salad seemed overwhelming.
I usually manage these days by filling up my time. I schedule a lot of social dates and pack up my work schedule. Working and social circles are an interesting way to try to increase self worth; interesting, in that, they don't work. But I did it differently last week. I got myself up out of my rocking chair and I put my computer away for three days. That was a huge step. Staring at a screen, at profiles of people I don't really know and planning five million workshops, can take a woman far, far away from her body. I walked my feet straight out to my studio. My prayer offering was moving my hips side to side for about a half hour. And it was in this moving of my body that I discovered from within that I, in that moment, was terribly disembodied. I had neglected my relationship to my body. I had planned, typed and sat my way right out of my body. Angeles Arrien tells us that when we stop moving our bodies, we become disconnected from a deep wisdom that lies deep within us. I had to find my way back, that was the answer to my prayer. And I did.
I put on my running shorts that I hadn't worn in two months. And I ran a mile or so. I could feel my heart beat. That helped a lot. Then, I got some rest. Not the kind of zoning out that happens in front of a screen. But real rest, something I haven't generally been good at. Stopping for even a second, could trigger, a major attack of the lowly self. But I hung through it and I rested, even as the demons screamed, "Plan a workshop." Call a friend." "Plan a party with sixty of your closest friends." Nope, not today, I said.
On Saturday morning, I had the day to myself, a much needed treasure. I woke up and took the morning slow. And I decided to attend someone else's workshop! I listened to the Grimm's fairy tale of The White Snake, where a young servant ate a piece of the king's white snake, and his life began to slowly transform. He did something different, and things changed. Imagine that!
Then I headed home, uncertain of my plans. I walked in the door and headed straight into the kitchen. I took down the white teapot with little blue flowers that Andy gave to me on our wedding day. And then, I took down the bright yellow teacup down that my Granny drank out of. And I brewed myself a pot of black tea, with cream and honey. And I planted myself on the comfy white chair in my front room, and sat in the sun. And as I sipped my tea, I listened to stories that I love on my Ipod.
I felt empty. I felt quiet. Two feelings that have terrified me in the past. Two feelings that I numbed out in a lot of ways, even when I didn't know it. But this cloudy, rainy morning, I did it differently. I ate the white snake. And something changed. I celebrated my emptiness. I celebrated my quiet; with a little black tea and honey. I learned that afternoon to love, even celebrate!, a part of myself, that I didn't know I feared so much. And I learned, that when you add a little love, intention, and a little fine china, emptiness is not so bad. In fact, it might be the very ground from which something new is born.
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