A Broken Lens + A Whole Lot Of Love
Do you ever have those days where you feel down for no reason? And then maybe you create a whole bunch of reasons to feel down, just because you feel down? It's like looking through a cracked lens. I am having one of those days today. I feel unnoticed, left out, a little awkward in the world. A teacher told me, Expand your curiosity more than your criticality. Get curious about yourself, not critical. So, this morning, I did. What do I turn to when I feel like a cloudy day?
First, I want to call someone to make me feel better. Never works, at least not sustainably. Then, I want to go out to eat, distraction. Doesn't work either, darn it. Then, I start pumping myself up internally, usually with my work. I run the calendar of social and work events down in my head, and good Lord, that really doesn't work. In fact, that can actually make it worse. Especially if the calendar isn't full up. Eventually, I do get to God, thank God. And this morning I did. I got into some comfy clothes, set my kids up with some rope and finger paint, and sat in my rocking chair and bowed my head at my heart and sat. It took a good fifteen minutes to settle in. My mind usually runs the calendar as a last resort; that's just what it does. I got my self worth needs met for many years through my calendar and I didn't even know it. But God knew better, and is leading me home, to that place deep within me that I don't want to go to. At least not today. But what I heard from within, after I sunk deep enough to hear it, was this, Let me love you when you feel empty. Jenny, you judge it, but I don't. I love you. Even if you were not included in that group you wanted to be in. Even if someone doesn't understand or even like your work. Even if you feel slobbish today. I love you no matter what. Please, for the love of God, spend more time with me. Because that my dear, is what you will always hear. I love you, I love you, I love you. It is as profoundly simple as that.
Break a vase, and the love that reassembles the fragments, is stronger than that love which took itself for granted when it was whole. Derek Walcott
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