Whisper of Grace
I have another encounter with my old friend, the hospital, this Thursday. I go in for some follow up tests, including a breast MRI and a mammogram. They want to make sure all is well, since my last scare in the spring. When I think about it, I feel nervous. And when I feel nervous, I pray for grace. And when grace comes it always reminds me to stay in the moment. Stay here now, Jenny. I am not at the hospital yet, I am not learning of any news yet. I am sitting in my rocking chair writing on my blog and looking at snow covered mountains against a bright blue sky. Grace always reminds me to stay in the moment. Why? Because it is all I have got. This moment. And how do I stay in the moment? My body. It helps me stay connected to this grace; my breath, my beating heart, paying attention to the sweet tea in my mouth. My head takes me to worst case scenario almost every time. When I feel scared, the best thing for me to do is something with my body; prayer that involves my body. A walk, a dance, a breath, fresh air on my face. God always reminds me that grace cannot help me in the future or in the past. If I put myself either of those places, I will be frightened and disconnected. God is the moment, not in my worst case scenarios, made up in my over functioning mind. Rumi speaks to this beautifully here:
Today, like every other day, we wake up frightened and empty.
Don't open the door to the study and being reading.
Take down the dulcimer.
Let the beauty you love be what you do.
There are a thousand ways to kneel and kiss the ground.
Rumi tells us, don't jump up into your head. Sink into your hands and play. Let your heart sing, along with your voice. The body helps us stay in the moment. We just need to pay attention to it. So, today, when I have jumped up into my head, I have felt frightened and empty. Those were the moments I was thinking, what if it really is breast cancer? What if I panic in the MRI machine? I don't want the anxiety of waiting for tests. But when I prayed for grace, it whispered to me..live now. Live now. LIVE NOW. It is all you've got. So, that is what I am going to do. Let the beauty I love be what I do. And kiss the ground because it is here. And I am here. And God is with me every single step of the way. Moment, by moment, by moment.
Jen,
I can so understand what you are feeling....every blood test..every oncologist visit is an opportunity to trust God and yes to be in the moment...I tell my clients who are struggling that there anxiety comes from being in the past of in the future...and I ask them to just be in the moment and most always the here and now is a pretty good place to be ....it's all we have ...the scripture tells us that HIS mercies are new every morning...I picture going to the door and picking up the basket of mercies that are left for me each new day.... Peace and HIS presence to keep you ..Neeta
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