Sustainable Grace
Do you ever covet the good times of someone else? Maybe they get to go on a trip that you aren't going on. Or maybe they just bought a hot new pair of jeans that makes their butt look great. Or maybe their child sits at the dinner table with his hands folded in front of him and and never says a word. The smallest, tiniest, most embarrassing place for me is envy. When I have traveled far from God into the land of brownies and control, my envy can get the best of me. I forget who I am, a beloved child of God who has everything she needs, and consequently, I do not appreciate the gifts I have been given. I compare myself, and begin to live in the landscape of not enough. I become self absorbed and I start trying way too hard to be better than someone, so I can temporarily feel better. It's like the brownie, for a moment, I feel (literally) on top of the world. But it is not sustainable. Because it is not true.
When I am feeling small, it is hard for me to expand into happiness for another. The direct train out of the land of smallness and into the land of gratitude is this: vulnerability. Being what is true in the moment for me, even and especially, when I feel envy. When I sit down at the table and say to a colleague, "I feel competitive with you. I am trying to outdo you. And those we serve are getting missed. I don't want to do that anymore." I have been witnessed by another in my smallness. And I feel a sustainable grace. When I ask God for help, to bring love to this smallness, I step into my truth. These acts, or prayer, honesty, and being witnessed, point my compass towards authenticity, rather than self absorption. And it is gratitude that grounds me as I walk this road. It opens me to my life and to the wide landscape of beauty that I have been invited to be a part of.
When I spend time with God, I remember who I am. I remember that I am a woman who has unique gifts to bring to this world, and has no business comparing herself to anyone else. It is an injustice to me, and to the other. Because after all, we are different expressions of Love, but we all come from One Love. Of that, I am convinced.
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