Mother My Starvation
We make many attempts to establish our outer world as a safe haven, instead of finding a safe haven within and bringing that to the outer world. Henri Nouwen
When I was in college I had a brief encounter with an eating disorder. I starved myself to feel better. My meal for the day, for months on end, was one small can of tuna and a bowl of white rice with Molly McButter sprinkled on top. If I could obsess about what I wasn't going to eat, I wouldn't have to be with my life. If my mind could wrap around not eating dinner, then I wouldn't have to think about how I afraid I was that I might die from loneliness. I dropped a lot of weight and my ego soared. Not so much because I felt pretty, but because I could control something. When I starved myself, I felt powerful. I felt a little like God, actually. I could kill myself if I wanted to. Or at least waste away. When my jeans began to fall off me, I felt a high, almost a sense of relief; like everything was going to be okay for me that day. I was that scared and felt that powerless. Feeling empty and small became my higher power. And then I got pissed. My anger turned inward at the onset of this illness, and I thought, God, if you are not going to show up for me like I need you to (basically by making my life exactly as I wanted it to be), then here was my big screw you. I am not going to eat. So there! Needless to say, it didn't work. My soul was left just as bankrupt as my body. Starving the body is a way of saying, it just hurts to damn much to be in here. Maybe if I ignore it, my pain will go away. And sometimes the pain did go away. When I hadn't eaten for a long time, I would feel an emptiness in my belly, that radiated out to my body and mind, that felt almost like not being here. And that was what I was going for.
I did not want to be here. I was insecure, frightened and felt very unsafe in my body; in my life. And who would have thought that my body, this vessel I had done everything to ignore, would be the doorway to my healing. Now, in those moments where I feel scared, the old thoughts can creep in. I don't like my butt. My jeans are getting tight. Maybe I should just not eat; or not eat as much. But now, by the grace of God, I have a resource and believe it or not, it is my body. I rest my hands on my butt and I ask God to help me love my body. I ask God to comfort me. And when I do, I don't go to the food, the alcohol, the relationship, for a unsustainable sense of control and comfort. This kind of pain, the kind that says, I don't want to be here, needs a mother. Today, I just ask God to rock me like a baby. I am not ashamed today to say I need that. Rock me like a baby, God. Mother me. The shame I lived with kept me in the fire of addiction. I will do anything Mother God asks me to do to build that safe haven within. Whether it is a 12-step program, or writing on this blog that I need love, I am worth it. And even when I don't know that I am worth it, the loving mother within me knows it. And that is enough to keep me from the fire.
If you struggle with addiction, know that there is a safe haven within you. Maybe it is busyness, food, sex, alcohol, relationships, drugs, that you have mistaken for the thing that comforts you beyond anything. Whatever it is, it pales in comparison to the mothering love of God. It really does. It just takes us to stop the cycle. When we reach out, God will reach back. And it will probably be in a way that you least expect. Just keep your heart and eyes open. And trust. And then receive.
Remember you used to 'rock' so hard in the front seat of the car, that after time it bent that seat frame back! In hindsight it makes sense. The situation around you would be in chaos. Your Mom would load us all into her car with radio on & Jenny would zone out and do her 'rocking' thing.
Love to you & your family Jenny & Merry Christmas!
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Thanks you Jenn, for reminding me....My eyes and my heart are open....trusting love to carry me through.....sometimes the transport is pain but still it is love guiding and directing me always upward....the answer is always yes!!!!
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