The Tree Speaks
I have always had a slight sense of loneliness in my heart..as long as I can remember. Over the years, questions have attached to that loneliness: Who am I? Where do I belong? Where do I fit in? Questions of identity, that of course, can't ultimately be answered but nonetheless still remain in me.
When I smell the scent of a pine tree in the forest baking in the sun, the loneliness, rises. Strange, isn't it? I can be on a hike in Garden of the Gods, or just pass a pine on a hot day and catch a whiff and I can feel that feeling deep in my gut. We didn't hike very often as a family when I was younger, but when we did spend time in nature (always at my mother's request for which I am grateful), I would feel this loneliness very strongly. Why a pine tree? Why in the middle of a forest would I feel like I am lost? The slow rhythm of the natural world reflects my questions of belonging. A tree, a stone and a squirrel scampering about have such a natural way of fitting in. They just be. And that has ALWAYS been scary for me. If I am not DOING, am I worthy to be of and in this world? To be can stir up my uncertainty and doubt just like that.
In the months of July and August I do not teach. This was at my heart's request to do it this way and ultimately, I am grateful. But it is uncomfortable. The stillness, the space, and the just being allow for this darkness around identity to creep up in me. Am I worthy in the world just being? As I sat in meditation after a sweaty yoga class this week, I heard my heart say You know Jenny, when you are gone and leave this earth, you will take nothing, nothing, you have done with you. Everything that is Jenny Finn will stay here...only your essence (the breath) will continue on.
The voice of my heart humbles me. It reminds me that pulling weeds in the front yard or putting a band-aid on my child's toe is enough. That is what the tree says also. It speaks to me: you are enough as you are. So why on earth would such a kindly message like you are enough, so full of truth, stir a sense of loneliness or lack of belonging in me? It seems like it might do just the opposite. Because I forget that I am enough often. So when the tree speaks the truth, I am reminded that I have forgotten it. And lately, I have forgotten that I am supported no matter what I am doing. That I can simply be, and in that being, I am enough.
I don't want to busy my life away so I can feel important in the world. I want the breath to lead me in my service to the world. Just like a tree naturally turns inward and then flourishes, so must I.
Yes, yes! That sense of loneliness describes my experience so well, but this post of yours brings it to consciousness. Thank you so much!
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Love, loved, loved this sweet Jenny!
So my truth too.
Love you
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Thank you...thank you.
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Wow, Jenny! You coulnd't have spoken more directly to me than with the sentence "I don't want to busy my life away so that I can feel important in the world". Exactly the words I needed to hear! Blessings, my friend!
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